Back into the Blogging world...a somber return
Well, after being kidnapped by FaceBook and held against my will for the past 2 years, I have made my way back to Blogspot (and the crowd goes wild!). My reasons? Although FB is cool and instant, it's a mile wide and an inch deep. It's like trying to say something meaningful by writing a thousand notes on index cards (if you are under 30 you will have to look up that strange term) and tossing them off John Hancock building. A few will make their way down to street level and get read - fewer yet will illicit some type of response - and fewer still will engender any meaningful conversation. I will keep my FB world alive for now, but I have to admit that I hardly ever snoop around my "friends" pages to see what's going on in their world. For me, it's mostly an online photo album that gives me a chance to talk about my faith and brag on our kids. (It's like hundreds of people all talking at the same time, all shouting out "Look at me! Look at me!" without anyone LISTENING.)What it doesn't do is give me a moment to reflect. And today, I need to do a little reflecting for posterity - and for the good of my own soul. Yesterday was opening day of firearm season. Pictured above are my Dad and Grant in our fort that sits just inside the woods on our property. I won't bore all you non hunters with the tale of "the one who got away" (she didn't get far, I heard a gun blast 10 seconds after she crossed the river and ran into the field), but I do want to talk about what the day meant to me.
Two weeks ago my Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer. He is 70 years old and his health is not the greatest to begin with. To make a very long story short he and I got a second chance at the whole father-son deal when he quit drinking 8 years ago (thus the cirrhosis of the liver and now the cancer, so they tell us). We had an OK relationship before that, but I was one of the millions of young men out there with that empty place inside my soul that a father's love and affirmation was suppose to fill. God (my Heavenly Father) had already brought much healing into my life, but that ache remained.
Since the day I finally believed that the drinking and addiction were now truly things of the past (and it took A LOT of convincing before I would even get my hopes up again) a whole new reality set in, a door was opened for me to know - experientially - for the first time in my life - a father's love for his son. (I'm not saying my Dad didn't love me before - just that the addiction created so many walls I could never feel it.) How has my Dad said "I love you and I'm proud of you" without ever verbalizing the words "I love you and I'm proud of you"? He has shown his love by taking an active interest in my life, by helping me in anyway he could, anytime I asked him, and by doing things WITH me like building the fort that we hunted out of yesterday. He told me he loved me yesterday by driving 3 hours round trip to sit with Grant and me in that little fort staring at trees and squirrels for most of the day with a smile on his face. His body language said - I want to be here with you, there is no place I'd rather be. He told me he loved me in the driveway as he was climbing into his truck. I stuck my hand out to say goodbye and he ignored it and hugged me (I can count on one hand the hugs I remember getting as a kid - but these days they are not uncommon). Yep, my Dad drove out to my place on November 15, 2010 just because he wanted to spend the day with his son and grandson - the deer hunting was just the pretext. No, more than a pretext - it was a vehicle.
As I look out the window today at that fort, I must confess to getting choked up. I can't help but wonder if that was our last opening day together. All of a sudden I feel this desperation for more time with him. I feel this intense mixture of gratitude for him and panic that he is slipping away. I find myself pleading with God for more time - a few more years even. I so badly want him to be there for more opening days, to be there when Grant gets his first deer, for Megan's graduation from High School...
But, whether I have him for 10 more days or 10 more years, I did have him on November 15, 2010. And even though we didn't recover that deer (despite my fervent prayers) I will always treasure those memories.
Dad, if you ever get a chance to read this I want to say that I love you and I am so grateful to have you in my life - to call you Dad.
posted by Unknown @ 3:44 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Tom:
Thank you for the opportunity to read your thoughts. I very much appreciate what you are experiencing. As you know, I lost my father to cancer (Leukemia) when I was 20 (he was 45); that was 29+ years ago - a long time.
I can tell you in all honesty, that not a day goes past that I don't feel the void in my life. My father was, is, and will always be my primary hero. He taught me how to live, what was important, and how to be a man. I am grateful that you are getting this second chance with your father, it is priceless.
I will pray fervently that you can spend many more days with your father, that you can have the chance to hug him hundreds more times (a hug from my father is one of the biggest holes in my life), and see the laughter. Most importantly, I will pray that God's will be done, for I can tell you that cancer is a terrible death. I watched my father suffer immeasurably for many months over a 2 year period (in the middle of which he was in remission); he stayed around for several things - college graduations, high school graduation, grand-kids, but eventually he got tired. And, I got tired too. I had to learn to let go and let God's will be done. It was the best and most soul lifting decision of my life.
I miss my dad terribly, but I speak to him every day, I see him in my children, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters every day. Most importantly, I see and feel him within me - in my heart, in my approach to the world, in my soul.
You will always have your dad with you, no matter what happens, it may just be in different form.
By all means enjoy each and every moment God gives you here on earth to be with your dad. Build up those memories, they are sustaining.
I know you have a strong faith; lean on it now especially.
Thanks for the opportunity to share.
Jim
Tom
I am so grateful you got a chance to spend this time with your dad! this is awesome and a wonderful gift from God! God is loving you through your dad!
Thanks also for the post. It gives me an opportunity to reconnect with a real friend and colleague. It does seem difficult to keep up the friendship when it is so long distance but I know when we will be able to get to together we will be able to pick up where we left of.
Ken W
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